It’s been a long month. Nepal was hit by a massive earthquake…twice. Many of the sacred building sites and monuments, that I was so privileged to visit, have been destroyed. Nearly 9000 lives were lost. Survivors are crowded into tent cities. It’s monsoon season. Corruption is rampant within the government. Entire villages are gone. Young children and women are in danger of sexual assault, and being kidnapped by sex traffickers. There is a very real danger of an epidemic of communicable diseases due to overcrowding, malnourishment, exposure to the elements, and lack of sanitation and vaccines. There’s so much that is wrong. It’s hard to not be overwhelmed by such stacked circumstances. And being back in the States, my efforts to help seem insignificant…and laughable even.
Then there’s my personal life: Mother’s Day, my birthday, and a breakdown of another sort, my relationship with D. I’ve been learning the incredibly difficult lesson of not being able to make anyone be ready, let alone do anything. D is not ready to heal, and he is not committed to his recovery. And there’s nothing that I can do about it. I’ve started my journey inward and I’m not willing to go back to blindness. We are at an impasse. And this makes me so angry and so fearful. I’m angry that I am here yet again, and that I’ve allowed myself to become so blind and so deaf to his patterns of destruction. I’m weary of all the attacks and attempts at manipulation. I’m tired of being told my feelings are not acceptable.
I do think that D would not do the things he does and not say the things he says, if he could help it. But he can’t, and without the willingness to do the work, and the vulnerability and humility to he honest with himself, I don’t hold much hope that he ever will.
And did I tell you, we’re moving to Georgia in a week! And just a few days ago, Selah and I got back from a two week trip back home to San Diego. All this upheaval is hard for me. I like things to be constant so that I can predict and control everything, of course. I’m having a really hard time trusting God and the process, much of the time. There are moments of serenity when I know that everything will be ok. Yes, things are pretty unpleasant at the moment and I cry constantly. But this will not be forever and it is so important for me to feel all the feelings of anger, frustration, sorrow, and grief so that I don’t stay stuck in it.
You know, that’s the best advice I have ever gotten, that I can be as angry as I want to be for as long as I need to be. Obviously, don’t act on the anger, but go right ahead and feel it. Before that it was always, ok you’re angry, stop it. So, I was angry. And with so much back log of anger, I was angry for a solid two weeks. It was miserable. I thought it would never end. But it did, and it didn’t kill me. It didn’t kill anyone else either. And with the passing of my anger came forgiveness, understanding, and awareness. This was the first time ever, that I had been able to just sit with the super uncomfortable feeling of anger. It made me realize that I can do this. Struggling, kicking and screaming, raging, crying, praying, begging, going around and around, and ultimately coming through to the other end of it with acceptance for what is.